Mistakes on CVs

From one of the interminable amounts of recruitment industry spam emails I get….

“Personal: I’m married with 9 children. I don’t require prescription drugs.

“I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don’t let them know of my immediate availability.”

“Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I’m a class act and do not come cheap.”

“I intentionally omitted my salary history. I’ve made money and lost money. I’ve been rich and I’ve been poor. I prefer being rich.”

“Note: Please don’t misconstrue my 14 jobs as ‘job-hopping’. I have never quit a job.”

“Number of dependents: 40.”

“Marital Status: Often. Children: Various.”

RESUME BLOOPERS

“Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.”

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:

“Responsibility makes me nervous.”

“They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn’t work under those conditions.”

REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB:

“Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches.”

“I was working for my mum until she decided to move.”

“The company made me a scapegoat – just like my three previous employers.”

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:

“While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility.”

“I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.”

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:

“Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job.”

“My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.”

“I procrastinate – especially when the task is unpleasant.”

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:

“Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.”

PERSONAL INTERESTS:

“Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.”

SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:

“Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.”

“Work Experience: Dealing with customers’ conflicts that arouse.”

“Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.”

“I’m a rabid typist.”

“Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.”

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6 thoughts on “Mistakes on CVs

  1. Dear Jonathan,

    Classic stuff; it just goes to show even in difficult times there are reasons for humour and a light-hearted look at the world that we operate in. I recall a CV that was sent to in when I was working in HR with BT. We were recruiting sales folk and this chap was looking for new employment as a gardener (BT didn’t have too many of either – gardens or gardeners) – to help strengthen his application he had carefully drawn a array of spring flowers around the edge of his CV and carefully “crayoned” them in. Perhaps we should have given him a sales job! Hope you are have a good Christmas. Graham

  2. Re: Typos which change the meaning. In 2008 I received a CV which, in the ‘interests’ section, told me the applicant was an expert in ‘marital arts’. Fabulous. Cam.

  3. Very entertaining – next step should be to share interview disaster stories…..the most entertaining I had was a candidate who sat with their legs crossed so tightly during the interview that when trying to stand up they’d cut of the circulation and fall forward….into the lap of one member of the interview panel (not me!). Needless to say they didn’t get the job.

    Have a great Christmas and ebst wises for 2010.
    Stephen

  4. I recognise myself there somewhere and I don’t even recall sending you a CV. But I’ve changed since then anyway.
    Festive Felicitations
    Dudley

  5. I have received more than one CV where people claim to have worked in the “pubic sector”

    My favourite CV comment (for different reasons) was the person who, in their interests, wrote “hill and dog walking”.

  6. Not quite a disaster story but ………..shortly after we recruited the guy I asked him why he wore such a hideous tie to interview to which his reply was “Because I didn’t want to work for an organisation who wouldn’t give me a job because of my bad taste in ties”. His reply simply cconfirmed the decision to hire him. I wonder if such confidence still exists in todays climate?

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